Maybe still okay

  • Let me ramble. 

    I am being very hard on myself right now, but it's hard to admit that. 

    I'm in the middle of renovations. I bought a studio house in December of last year (it's huge, it's a hundred year old bank, but it had no bedrooms, so technically a studio). I have put in new basement stairs (with help) and fenced part of the yard. On my own, I've ripped up the floor, installed doors, am putting down new floor right now. Tomorrow I pick up supplies to gap fill the floor, and then I get to sand and paint it (after I put in the last tricky half-board, of course) and after that I have to make a wall between the room and the stairs. Then drywall - put up the sheets (on my own or getting help where I can when I live 50 minutes from all my friends right now) and mud and sand and texture and paint. The stairs are unfinished but they can wait - the room is important, because Momma is moving in on August 16, and I need to have this finished by August 11. 

    Why the 11th? Because then I fly out to Momma's place, help her pack up anything she hasn't finished for a day, then pick up the 26 ft truck (thankfully being packed by professional movers) and pick up one of my best friends (yayyyy I haven't seen him in ages) and drive the 30 hour drive 2/3 of the way across the US to get her home. Where fortunately movers will be moving her in. Phew! 

    Her stuff is going in the studio out back (a six car garage that I am in process of converting into a huge art studio), and before she comes I also want (yes, it's not a need, but if I don't do it, things will be so much harder) to paint at least two sections of floor, put the tin up that I am using to cover the exposed insulation on the end wall, clean etch and paint the 8 x 30 foot area for the shelves, and put the four sets of industrial warehouse shelving up for her stuff. I'd also like to clean etch and paint the 8 feet in front of the shelves so we have space to dump her stuff without feeling we need to shove it in all the shelves in the first place. I do have options with this though - if I just get twenty or thirty feet at the garage door end of the garage (which is the opposite end) painted and ready, we can offload the stuff there, and then I get around to doing the walls and shelves etc. It will probably have to be. 

    Oh yes, and this week I'm breaking up with my boyfriend and the best partner and lover I've ever had. It's not working, and even though his wife (we're all polyamorous) hooked us up, her jealousy and other issues are making it impossible for me to feel compersion for their relationship anymore. (Compersion is the feeling you have when someone you love is enjoying something or someone, most specifically it's the feeling of joy a polyamorous person feels for their partners other relationships.) I resent her, I'm angry all the time at her, sometimes at him, sometimes at their relationship. It's not healthy and I have to let it go. It sucks, because I usually am very compersive, and for the first year and a bit of our relationship I loved what they had. 

    And... my ex and I are putting in divorce papers this week. We've been broken up for nearly a year, and living apart since December. I like to think that the therapy we did let me see for sure that I would never be respected or loved for who I am (and it's true) and that therefore I am over hoping for anything like that.... but... I'm still so angry there. And hurt. And in love with the parts of him that I loved, and so hurt by the fact that once again I wasn't worth fighting for. 

    And ... I know Blogcozy is dying. I do check in occasionally, but with all this going on I'm an absentee landlord. Let's face it, it never took off. I needed to fix the notification issues while not losing the privacy functions (which as far as I see no one is using anyway). What I needed was to have a more complete site, and losing Polly when I did on top of my relationship end and buying my own place... all that meant that it never got a few essential things finished. I'm sorry. Even if it had been perfect, it required investment by ex-voxers that never happened. We're all too far beyond that. I so appreciate those of you who got in and put heart and soul into Blogcozy, but it's not enough. And no, I'm not intending to change anything or delete the site right now. It's just... sigh. 

    So yeah. Maybe I am still okay. I think I am more okay than I actually am, though. I think part of me is just waiting for the move and the divorce and the biggest part of the renovations to be over so I can go to bed and sleep for a zillion years. 

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